Monday, November 15, 2010
8:56 PM ...and that includes you.
As I near the end of my month-long eHarm experiment, I've been trying to think about what my take-away will be. What's the moral of the story? The message, the theme, the reason? So far, the main thing I've realized is this: If over 200 guys are interested in you and want to get to know you and maybe start a relationship with you, and you can't find ONE that you would consider dating? Honey, it's not them - it's YOU.
I realized this like a week ago, but I couldn't figure out WHY I didn't like any of these guys. What was wrong with me?? I don't come from a broken home. I have a great relationship with my father. I'm not secretly in love with an ex or pining after a male friend, so WHAT was my deal??
It wasn't until just now, as I was eating dinner in bed while watching 'The Office,' that it struck me. I saw the clip below, where Jim talks to Dwight about heartbreak, and started to tear up mid-chew.
I imagine we all deal with heartbreak at some time in our lives, and, now that I think about it, there are few greater personal tragedies than that one. My own personal heartbreak was years ago, but recently I've watched my sister go through it for the first time, and in trying to be of some sort of sisterly help to her, all those awful feelings have come rushing back.
I remember what it's like to feel helpless. To feel lost. To feel just so sad to your very core. To wonder if you will ever feel better, normal, and to know on some level that you probably won't for a very long time.
And while every chick-flick will tell you that love is worth all the heartbreak that came before it, I just can't bring myself to consider it right now.
I'm happy with they way things are. I'm enough.
I don't ever want to find myself crying in a stairwell again.
Love,
Tara
Monday, November 15, 2010
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Straight cash, homey.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
6:26 PM Are you ready for some football??
In honor of NFL Sunday (all I've done today is watch football), I thought I'd post a couple of football-related vids that make me smile.
(I know I'm supposed to hate him, but I can't help it. He's too badass. And he's on my fantasy football team...)
(First, I have loved this song since I was eight years old and heard it on 'The First Wives' Club.' Second, who doesn't love a girl in a jersey? Adding one women's Patriots jersey to my Christmas List...)
Love,
Tara
6:26 PM Are you ready for some football??
In honor of NFL Sunday (all I've done today is watch football), I thought I'd post a couple of football-related vids that make me smile.
(I know I'm supposed to hate him, but I can't help it. He's too badass. And he's on my fantasy football team...)
(First, I have loved this song since I was eight years old and heard it on 'The First Wives' Club.' Second, who doesn't love a girl in a jersey? Adding one women's Patriots jersey to my Christmas List...)
Love,
Tara
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Chastened
Thursday, November 4, 2010
10:01 PM Love your smile...
I'm turning into a slut. Seriously. I'm sorry to be crass, but I'm not sure how else to put it. I am a big eHarmony slut.
My tale is not an unusual one. I started as a naive, young girl who turned to the Internet to... well, to what? Find true love? Appease her curiosity? We'll never know for sure what prompted me to sign on to eHarmony that fateful night, but I did it, and now I can hardly recognize the woman I've become.
At first I didn't want to talk to anyone on eHarm. These men would send me their '5-Questions,' and I would ignore them. But slowly, I started to answer. If a guy looked nice (or normal) I would answer their multiple-choice questions. What's the harm? I thought to myself. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Because once you start turning tricks, er, I mean, answering questions, it's hard to stop. I liked the attention and I wanted more. I stopped discriminating so much. Pretty much if you were a guy and you asked me your 5-Questions I would answer. I had no limits. I was out of control.
Oh, the shame! It is only now, looking back, that I can see the error of my ways. The only way I feel I can make this right is by sharing some of the lessons I have learned. But will that be enough? I just don't know...
I could tell you about Stephen. Stephen seemed nice enough. He was tall, good-looking. He was a chef in New York City. He seemed to have a lot going for him. And he was a smooth-talker, that Stephen. He sent me his 5-Questions, and I answered. Then he sent me an Icebreaker. I didn't know what an Icebreaker was, but I learned a lot from Stephen. It was an eHarmony message that read, "Love your smile." Well, that got me smitten. Give a gal a compliment and that'll get you pretty far. It wasn't until we took things to the next stage, the "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage that I noticed the red flag.
The "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage is when you go through a list of attributes that eHarm puts together and you check off ten that your ideal partner must have and ten that they must not. "Must Haves" include everything from "Confidence" to "Good Hygiene" whereas "Can't Stands" are like "Racial Intolerance" and "Addictions" (imagine having to pick which one you "can't stand" more...). Well, after that Icebreaker I got bold and sent Stephen my lists. I was in too deep, playing fast and loose. There was no saving me now.
The red flag came when I received Stephen's list and saw that as his first choice for his "Must Haves" he had selected "Sexually Knowledgeable." The description for this attribute reads, "I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely."
Now, don't get me wrong, sexual expression is all well and good but would I call myself "mature" and "experienced"?! Do I want to be with a guy who needs that?? Or is willing to put that on paper as one of the top ten things he MUST have??!? He could have chosen "Kind" or "Affectionate" or even "Passionate," but he had to go and choose "Sexually Knowledgeable."
Red. Flag.
But how could this be? Things with Stephen were going so well. And he did send me that sweet Icebreaker, after all. I went back to read the Icebreaker for reassurance. That's when I realized... he hadn't written that Icebreaker at all. He had merely selected it from a list of options eHarm gave him. There it was: "Love your smile" right between "Want to chat?" and "I think we have a lot in common." I was devastated.
I could also tell you about John. John seemed nice enough. He sent me his questions, I sent him mine. It was the same old routine. But then he switched things up and sent me an eHarmony email. Normally I rejected guys right away when they asked me to do those kinds of things, but there was something about John that made me willing to experiment. The email was nice too. He said he didn't really like all the weird eHarm questions and he just wanted to talk. Then he asked for my phone number.
Now, that was just too much for a nice girl like me. I may answer any guy's questions, but I still have some limits. There are some things I just won't do. So, I emailed him back and told him I was still kind of new to all this and that I'd rather we just emailed. He wrote back and told me he totally understood. What a relief! Then he asked for my screen name.
Red. Flag.
If we've barely started getting to know each other and you're already incapable of listening to what I'm saying, that does not bode well for our future relationship. You should at least pretend to listen at first. Humor me.
I could tell you more stories, but I'll spare you. The moral of these stories is, I'm taking a little break from eHarm. But don't worry. The experiment isn't over -- I've still got two weeks to go. I just need to regroup. De-slut. You know.
There's a section in everyone's eHarm profile where you can write a little paragraph about the last interesting book you read. I'm currently reading "Chastened" by Hephzibah Anderson, a true story about a 30-year-old single writer who goes one year without having sex.
I'm thinking of adding that to my profile.
Love,
Tara
10:01 PM Love your smile...
I'm turning into a slut. Seriously. I'm sorry to be crass, but I'm not sure how else to put it. I am a big eHarmony slut.
My tale is not an unusual one. I started as a naive, young girl who turned to the Internet to... well, to what? Find true love? Appease her curiosity? We'll never know for sure what prompted me to sign on to eHarmony that fateful night, but I did it, and now I can hardly recognize the woman I've become.
At first I didn't want to talk to anyone on eHarm. These men would send me their '5-Questions,' and I would ignore them. But slowly, I started to answer. If a guy looked nice (or normal) I would answer their multiple-choice questions. What's the harm? I thought to myself. I didn't know what I was getting myself into.
Because once you start turning tricks, er, I mean, answering questions, it's hard to stop. I liked the attention and I wanted more. I stopped discriminating so much. Pretty much if you were a guy and you asked me your 5-Questions I would answer. I had no limits. I was out of control.
Oh, the shame! It is only now, looking back, that I can see the error of my ways. The only way I feel I can make this right is by sharing some of the lessons I have learned. But will that be enough? I just don't know...
I could tell you about Stephen. Stephen seemed nice enough. He was tall, good-looking. He was a chef in New York City. He seemed to have a lot going for him. And he was a smooth-talker, that Stephen. He sent me his 5-Questions, and I answered. Then he sent me an Icebreaker. I didn't know what an Icebreaker was, but I learned a lot from Stephen. It was an eHarmony message that read, "Love your smile." Well, that got me smitten. Give a gal a compliment and that'll get you pretty far. It wasn't until we took things to the next stage, the "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage that I noticed the red flag.
The "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage is when you go through a list of attributes that eHarm puts together and you check off ten that your ideal partner must have and ten that they must not. "Must Haves" include everything from "Confidence" to "Good Hygiene" whereas "Can't Stands" are like "Racial Intolerance" and "Addictions" (imagine having to pick which one you "can't stand" more...). Well, after that Icebreaker I got bold and sent Stephen my lists. I was in too deep, playing fast and loose. There was no saving me now.
The red flag came when I received Stephen's list and saw that as his first choice for his "Must Haves" he had selected "Sexually Knowledgeable." The description for this attribute reads, "I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely."
Now, don't get me wrong, sexual expression is all well and good but would I call myself "mature" and "experienced"?! Do I want to be with a guy who needs that?? Or is willing to put that on paper as one of the top ten things he MUST have??!? He could have chosen "Kind" or "Affectionate" or even "Passionate," but he had to go and choose "Sexually Knowledgeable."
Red. Flag.
But how could this be? Things with Stephen were going so well. And he did send me that sweet Icebreaker, after all. I went back to read the Icebreaker for reassurance. That's when I realized... he hadn't written that Icebreaker at all. He had merely selected it from a list of options eHarm gave him. There it was: "Love your smile" right between "Want to chat?" and "I think we have a lot in common." I was devastated.
I could also tell you about John. John seemed nice enough. He sent me his questions, I sent him mine. It was the same old routine. But then he switched things up and sent me an eHarmony email. Normally I rejected guys right away when they asked me to do those kinds of things, but there was something about John that made me willing to experiment. The email was nice too. He said he didn't really like all the weird eHarm questions and he just wanted to talk. Then he asked for my phone number.
Now, that was just too much for a nice girl like me. I may answer any guy's questions, but I still have some limits. There are some things I just won't do. So, I emailed him back and told him I was still kind of new to all this and that I'd rather we just emailed. He wrote back and told me he totally understood. What a relief! Then he asked for my screen name.
Red. Flag.
If we've barely started getting to know each other and you're already incapable of listening to what I'm saying, that does not bode well for our future relationship. You should at least pretend to listen at first. Humor me.
I could tell you more stories, but I'll spare you. The moral of these stories is, I'm taking a little break from eHarm. But don't worry. The experiment isn't over -- I've still got two weeks to go. I just need to regroup. De-slut. You know.
There's a section in everyone's eHarm profile where you can write a little paragraph about the last interesting book you read. I'm currently reading "Chastened" by Hephzibah Anderson, a true story about a 30-year-old single writer who goes one year without having sex.
I'm thinking of adding that to my profile.
Love,
Tara
Monday, November 1, 2010
"If you keep shouting like that, you'll get big muscles all over your face."
Monday, November 1, 2010
8:53 PM Restore Sanity!
This weekend I was lucky enough to get to go to the Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear in Washington DC. While I never felt insane (so I guess the rally did its job), I did experience a number of other emotions during my 24 hours in the D to the C. To help me bullet-point the weekend, I'll be using the assistance of Plutchik and his Wheel of Emotions.
Joy ...when the rally began!
Trust ...when a cab driver rescued me when I was lost in the outskirts of DC.
Fear ...when I was lost in DC and thought I was going to miss the after-party!
Surprise ...when I ran into Grandma, Leo, Robbi and Co. outside of The Old Ebbitt Grill.
Sadness ...when dinner was over on Saturday night.
Disgust ...when I saw a FOX News truck.
Anger ...when I was lost in DC and hadn't peed in like nine hours.
Anticipation ...another rally next year?!?!
Love,
Tara
8:53 PM Restore Sanity!
Joy ...when the rally began!
Trust ...when a cab driver rescued me when I was lost in the outskirts of DC.
Fear ...when I was lost in DC and thought I was going to miss the after-party!
Surprise ...when I ran into Grandma, Leo, Robbi and Co. outside of The Old Ebbitt Grill.
Sadness ...when dinner was over on Saturday night.
Disgust ...when I saw a FOX News truck.
Anger ...when I was lost in DC and hadn't peed in like nine hours.
Anticipation ...another rally next year?!?!
Love,
Tara
Monday, October 25, 2010
e-HOOOOOLY Crap!
Monday, October 25, 2010
8:40 pm Make it stop!
Okay, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but this e-Harm thing is out of control. Apparently I'm compatible with every man in the tri-state area AND THEY WON'T STOP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. NOW, I understand how e-Harm works -- it's a sheer numbers game! If they tell you you're compatible with 25 guys a day, you're bound to get along with someone. No one would reject that many men for days and days. I know what the evil people at e-Harm are thinking: Eventually she'll cave...
It's legitimately giving me anxiety (shocker). I wake up in the morning and I've got at least 10 new emails from e-Harm telling me about all the guys who have sent me five questions. This is the first step in the e-Harm "getting-to-know-you" process. If you find someone with a profile that's appealing (read: they have an attractive photo), you can choose five questions from a long list to send to that person. If that person isn't totally skeeved out by you, they respond and send their five questions. The list is of entirely multiple choice questions. Examples include "How often do you work out in a week?" to hypotheticals like "If you were in a relationship and your partner took you to a party where you knew no one, what would you do?" Answers to that one are like "I would stick close to my partner and let him/her introduce me" or "I would strike out on my own and meet people" or "I would ask to skip the party."
So, over the past few days everyone and their brother has been sending me the five question thing. At first I was hesitant, but at my mom's encouragement, I started to respond. At the very least, this whole thing has really made me think about how I am in a relationship and what is important to me in a "partner." God, I hate that word.
But of course, there are always the creepers. E-Harm gives you an option to skip all the normal communication steps and just go straight to emailing or chatting online. To do this, the interested party (the creeper) sends a note saying they want to initiate contact or whatever. Then the innocent party (me), has to accept or decline. If you accept, you have to first read a letter from e-Harm about online safety so these dudes can't find you and you don't end up in a ditch after being raped and murdered. Comforting, no?
So far two guys have sent me such requests and I think my intial reaction was to scream "Oh, HELL no!" and slam my computer shut. Then I called my mom.
My mom is a whole other part of this e-Harm experiment. She's way more interested in this than I am, so I gave her my sign-on so she can pre-screen my prospects. I see no problem with this. It's kind of like a throw-back to the olden days when parents would pick your suitors. She's definitely more lenient and forgiving than I am ("Mom, he's 23 and balding..."), but maybe I need a little more of that.
In conclusion, I'm sticking with the e-Harm experiment, even though it gives me anxiety, because I paid for it and it really does force me to think about what I'm really after. If the thought of signing on to my e-Harmony account really makes me nauseous, maybe that's a sign. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. Or maybe I'm just not ready to risk it with crazies online.
Only time will tell. I've got three and a half weeks to go...
Love,
Tara
8:40 pm Make it stop!
Okay, I'm not trying to toot my own horn here, but this e-Harm thing is out of control. Apparently I'm compatible with every man in the tri-state area AND THEY WON'T STOP TRYING TO COMMUNICATE WITH ME. NOW, I understand how e-Harm works -- it's a sheer numbers game! If they tell you you're compatible with 25 guys a day, you're bound to get along with someone. No one would reject that many men for days and days. I know what the evil people at e-Harm are thinking: Eventually she'll cave...
It's legitimately giving me anxiety (shocker). I wake up in the morning and I've got at least 10 new emails from e-Harm telling me about all the guys who have sent me five questions. This is the first step in the e-Harm "getting-to-know-you" process. If you find someone with a profile that's appealing (read: they have an attractive photo), you can choose five questions from a long list to send to that person. If that person isn't totally skeeved out by you, they respond and send their five questions. The list is of entirely multiple choice questions. Examples include "How often do you work out in a week?" to hypotheticals like "If you were in a relationship and your partner took you to a party where you knew no one, what would you do?" Answers to that one are like "I would stick close to my partner and let him/her introduce me" or "I would strike out on my own and meet people" or "I would ask to skip the party."
So, over the past few days everyone and their brother has been sending me the five question thing. At first I was hesitant, but at my mom's encouragement, I started to respond. At the very least, this whole thing has really made me think about how I am in a relationship and what is important to me in a "partner." God, I hate that word.
But of course, there are always the creepers. E-Harm gives you an option to skip all the normal communication steps and just go straight to emailing or chatting online. To do this, the interested party (the creeper) sends a note saying they want to initiate contact or whatever. Then the innocent party (me), has to accept or decline. If you accept, you have to first read a letter from e-Harm about online safety so these dudes can't find you and you don't end up in a ditch after being raped and murdered. Comforting, no?
So far two guys have sent me such requests and I think my intial reaction was to scream "Oh, HELL no!" and slam my computer shut. Then I called my mom.
My mom is a whole other part of this e-Harm experiment. She's way more interested in this than I am, so I gave her my sign-on so she can pre-screen my prospects. I see no problem with this. It's kind of like a throw-back to the olden days when parents would pick your suitors. She's definitely more lenient and forgiving than I am ("Mom, he's 23 and balding..."), but maybe I need a little more of that.
In conclusion, I'm sticking with the e-Harm experiment, even though it gives me anxiety, because I paid for it and it really does force me to think about what I'm really after. If the thought of signing on to my e-Harmony account really makes me nauseous, maybe that's a sign. Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. Or maybe I'm just not ready to risk it with crazies online.
Only time will tell. I've got three and a half weeks to go...
Love,
Tara
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Photo Not Approved.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
10:47 PM Judge for yourself.
Tonight I joined eHarmony.
No, but really, I did.
I came home from work, got half-way out of my work clothes (I was too tired to finish), climbed into bed, ate some chips for dinner, drank a beer and joined eHarmony.
It wasn't like there was an event that sparked my desire to join. I wish I could tell you some inspirational story about how a higher power spoke to me and I suddenly knew my destiny was with eHarm. It was more like I was lying on my bed in front of the tv, trying to balance my empty beer bottle on my stomach when I stopped, picked up the computer, and typed in eHarmony.com, for no reason at all.
I mean, I kind of surprised myself. Ever since moving to New York, I've fully embraced my single lifestyle. I haven't really even been dating much -- mostly just reading and not cleaning my room and only shaving my legs when they start to itch. I was single and SO not looking to mingle. Until today.
So, whatever. I join. They ask me a thousand questions and then they ask for money. When I got to the money page, I started to have doubts (a year for $20 a month? Did it really take that long?? How would I feel about this come say, July???), so I texted my wise friend Arianna to tell her what I was doing. I believe I likened the whole thing to jumping off of a cliff. So, of course, she didn't respond. But I knew she wouldn't respond because she has to get up for work every morning at 3:30 AM, and I knew she'd be asleep already. Thus, I took her lack of response as silent approval and powered on. It's good to have friends who support you.
But then I had more doubts, so I called my mom and she got super excited and started looking up eHarmony coupons online for me to use. Then she put my dad on the phone and he asked me if I was shopping for a boyfriend online. And this all happened after I had listed "friends and family" as two of the top three things I'm thankful for on my eHarm profile. Figures.
So, I just do it. One month. Whatever. $60 down the drain. I'm feeling weird about the whole thing, but then...wait! Seven matches. SEVEN MATCHES. The love of my life was less than seven clicks away! I immediately started clicking on the profiles of these "highly compatible" men.
Aaaaand it took about 3 seconds for me to dismiss them all.
Five out of the seven had names I could not pronounce and profiles with some very broken English. The two profiles I was able to read contained words like "free-spirited" and phrases like "I like spending time with babies." I'm not exaggerating.
So, I'm feeling a little disappointed, now out 60 bucks and being told I'm most compatible with what I'm pretty sure was a middle-aged illegal immigrant, when I get an email from eHarm. Another match, perhaps?! Lucky number 8??
No. The email from eHarm was to inform me that the photo I had selected for my profile was not approved based on their "rules regarding attire." READ: Tara, if you don't stop dressing like a slut, even WE won't be able to find you a good man.
Now this was really just too much to take, so I signed off, photo-less, and went to take a shower (read: drown myself).
It was in the shower, as I carefully shaved off a week of armpit hair growth (again, not exaggerating), that a quote came to mind, as they often do when I'm feeling pensive. The quote was from a sticker that my wise, currently-sleeping friend Arianna had once found, taken a photo of, and posted on Facebook. It reads like a song lyric, or a line from a contemporary poem, or, perhaps, the title of my future memoir:
There is no sex in the city.
Love,
Tara
Saturday, October 9, 2010
The Sound of Settling
Saturday, October 9, 2010
10:18 am Bah Bah!
After tonight's SNL, I will no longer be a page. Earlier this week I was offered a job, and I accepted, and I'm starting on Monday. So, as you can imagine, all of this news and change has come with about fifteen hundred different emotions that I'm dealing with. At first I wrote that last sentence as "...that I'm struggling to deal with," but then I went back and deleted it because I'm not struggling. I'm dealing. It's just weird.
First of all, I'm really happy. I'm excited about my new job. It's in a department I love, and this job gets me further along on a career path I really think I want to be on. There's a lot of opportunity to grow and gain experience and blah blah blah. And there are the added perks that I didn't really think of until after I had accepted -- not being a page means I get my weekends back! I get WHOLE weekends just...OFF! What do you people do with that kind of free time?? I can't even imagine it. And the pay! Obviously you shouldn't take a job solely for the money, but after eight and a half months of living in NYC on $10/hr, I can't even tell you just how much making more money will mean to me. Over the past few months my Excel budget has been in rough shape - lots of red and negative numbers - and it's really been stressing me out! My increased income will certainly improve my quality of life.
But OF COURSE I can't be totally happy. I wouldn't be me if I was completely, blissfully happy and at peace. Sooo, there are the mixed feelings. I'm going to miss being a page! Obviously I knew this would all come to an end eventually (within a year, for sure), but it's still sad. I feel like I'm graduating all over again - you work hard, knowing there's an inevitable ending, but when it happens it's still really weird and sad and disorienting. And then there's the finality of it all! Just typing that out I realize how ridiculous I sound - I'm 23 and starting a new job - there's pretty much nothing final about my situation...but it feels final. Like, this is it. This is your job. Forever. I realize that's ridiculous, but that feeling is still there no matter how many times I tell myself I'm being ridiculous. When you accept a new job or a new apartment or a new relationship, you're accepting the good AND the bad. There are things about my job and my apartment (have I mentioned this roach problem?) and my relationships that stress me out and drive me crazy. And I'm agreeing to deal with that for the forseeable future. And if, in the forseeable future, I get stressed out and frustrated at my job and my living situation and my relationships here, I have no one to blame but myself. Because by taking this job, I've agreed to DEAL with it.
This whole situation - the great feelings I have about succeeding in the page program and getting a job and having the wonderful experiences that I've had AND the sort of sad, mixed up feelings I have about leaving pagedom and going forward into the professional world makes me think of one of my favorite songs. (Has anyone else noticed that I associate a song with pretty much every situation in my life? Is this normal? Do other people do this?)
"The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab is in my top ten favorite songs of all time. And the thing I love the most about it, is it can be interpreted in two ways. When you listen to the song, you can choose to think of "settling" as giving up on the dream and lowering your standards and accepting the cards you were dealt. When you think of it that way, it's sort of a sad song. But you can also choose to think of "settling" as finding your place. Fitting in. Clicking. In fact, I think of the way an old house creaks and groans as it "settles" at night. I think of a line from 'Magnolia': This happens. This is something that happens. When you think of it that way, it's sort of a happy song.
Listen for yourself and decide. Is it happy or sad? I think it's kind of up to you.
Then again, I think maybe that's the way life works too.
Love,
Tara
10:18 am Bah Bah!
After tonight's SNL, I will no longer be a page. Earlier this week I was offered a job, and I accepted, and I'm starting on Monday. So, as you can imagine, all of this news and change has come with about fifteen hundred different emotions that I'm dealing with. At first I wrote that last sentence as "...that I'm struggling to deal with," but then I went back and deleted it because I'm not struggling. I'm dealing. It's just weird.
First of all, I'm really happy. I'm excited about my new job. It's in a department I love, and this job gets me further along on a career path I really think I want to be on. There's a lot of opportunity to grow and gain experience and blah blah blah. And there are the added perks that I didn't really think of until after I had accepted -- not being a page means I get my weekends back! I get WHOLE weekends just...OFF! What do you people do with that kind of free time?? I can't even imagine it. And the pay! Obviously you shouldn't take a job solely for the money, but after eight and a half months of living in NYC on $10/hr, I can't even tell you just how much making more money will mean to me. Over the past few months my Excel budget has been in rough shape - lots of red and negative numbers - and it's really been stressing me out! My increased income will certainly improve my quality of life.
But OF COURSE I can't be totally happy. I wouldn't be me if I was completely, blissfully happy and at peace. Sooo, there are the mixed feelings. I'm going to miss being a page! Obviously I knew this would all come to an end eventually (within a year, for sure), but it's still sad. I feel like I'm graduating all over again - you work hard, knowing there's an inevitable ending, but when it happens it's still really weird and sad and disorienting. And then there's the finality of it all! Just typing that out I realize how ridiculous I sound - I'm 23 and starting a new job - there's pretty much nothing final about my situation...but it feels final. Like, this is it. This is your job. Forever. I realize that's ridiculous, but that feeling is still there no matter how many times I tell myself I'm being ridiculous. When you accept a new job or a new apartment or a new relationship, you're accepting the good AND the bad. There are things about my job and my apartment (have I mentioned this roach problem?) and my relationships that stress me out and drive me crazy. And I'm agreeing to deal with that for the forseeable future. And if, in the forseeable future, I get stressed out and frustrated at my job and my living situation and my relationships here, I have no one to blame but myself. Because by taking this job, I've agreed to DEAL with it.
This whole situation - the great feelings I have about succeeding in the page program and getting a job and having the wonderful experiences that I've had AND the sort of sad, mixed up feelings I have about leaving pagedom and going forward into the professional world makes me think of one of my favorite songs. (Has anyone else noticed that I associate a song with pretty much every situation in my life? Is this normal? Do other people do this?)
"The Sound of Settling" by Death Cab is in my top ten favorite songs of all time. And the thing I love the most about it, is it can be interpreted in two ways. When you listen to the song, you can choose to think of "settling" as giving up on the dream and lowering your standards and accepting the cards you were dealt. When you think of it that way, it's sort of a sad song. But you can also choose to think of "settling" as finding your place. Fitting in. Clicking. In fact, I think of the way an old house creaks and groans as it "settles" at night. I think of a line from 'Magnolia': This happens. This is something that happens. When you think of it that way, it's sort of a happy song.
Listen for yourself and decide. Is it happy or sad? I think it's kind of up to you.
Then again, I think maybe that's the way life works too.
Love,
Tara
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