Chastened

Thursday, November 4, 2010
10:01 PM  Love your smile...

I'm turning into a slut.  Seriously.  I'm sorry to be crass, but I'm not sure how else to put it.  I am a big eHarmony slut.

My tale is not an unusual one.  I started as a naive, young girl who turned to the Internet to... well, to what?  Find true love?  Appease her curiosity?  We'll never know for sure what prompted me to sign on to eHarmony that fateful night, but I did it, and now I can hardly recognize the woman I've become.

At first I didn't want to talk to anyone on eHarm.  These men would send me their '5-Questions,' and I would ignore them.  But slowly, I started to answer.  If a guy looked nice (or normal) I would answer their multiple-choice questions.  What's the harm? I thought to myself.  I didn't know what I was getting myself into.

Because once you start turning tricks, er, I mean, answering questions, it's hard to stop.  I liked the attention and I wanted more.  I stopped discriminating so much.  Pretty much if you were a guy and you asked me your 5-Questions I would answer.  I had no limits.  I was out of control.

Oh, the shame!  It is only now, looking back, that I can see the error of my ways.  The only way I feel I can make this right is by sharing some of the lessons I have learned.  But will that be enough?  I just don't know...

I could tell you about Stephen.  Stephen seemed nice enough.  He was tall, good-looking.  He was a chef in New York City.  He seemed to have a lot going for him.  And he was a smooth-talker, that Stephen.  He sent me his 5-Questions, and I answered.  Then he sent me an Icebreaker.  I didn't know what an Icebreaker was, but I learned a lot from Stephen.  It was an eHarmony message that read, "Love your smile."  Well, that got me smitten.  Give a gal a compliment and that'll get you pretty far.  It wasn't until we took things to the next stage, the "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage that I noticed the red flag.

The "Must Haves/Can't Stands" stage is when you go through a list of attributes that eHarm puts together and you check off ten that your ideal partner must have and ten that they must not.  "Must Haves" include everything from "Confidence" to "Good Hygiene" whereas "Can't Stands" are like "Racial Intolerance" and "Addictions" (imagine having to pick which one you "can't stand" more...).  Well, after that Icebreaker I got bold and sent Stephen my lists.  I was in too deep, playing fast and loose.  There was no saving me now.

The red flag came when I received Stephen's list and saw that as his first choice for his "Must Haves" he had selected "Sexually Knowledgeable."  The description for this attribute reads, "I must have someone who is mature and experienced as a potential sexual partner and is able to express himself/herself freely."

Now, don't get me wrong, sexual expression is all well and good but would I call myself "mature" and "experienced"?!  Do I want to be with a guy who needs that??  Or is willing to put that on paper as one of the top ten things he MUST have??!?  He could have chosen "Kind" or "Affectionate" or even "Passionate," but he had to go and choose "Sexually Knowledgeable."

Red. Flag.

But how could this be?  Things with Stephen were going so well.  And he did send me that sweet Icebreaker, after all.  I went back to read the Icebreaker for reassurance.  That's when I realized... he hadn't written that Icebreaker at all.  He had merely selected it from a list of options eHarm gave him.  There it was: "Love your smile" right between "Want to chat?" and "I think we have a lot in common."  I was devastated.

I could also tell you about John.  John seemed nice enough.  He sent me his questions, I sent him mine.  It was the same old routine.  But then he switched things up and sent me an eHarmony email.  Normally I rejected guys right away when they asked me to do those kinds of things, but there was something about John that made me willing to experiment.  The email was nice too.  He said he didn't really like all the weird eHarm questions and he just wanted to talk.  Then he asked for my phone number.

Now, that was just too much for a nice girl like me.  I may answer any guy's questions, but I still have some limits.  There are some things I just won't do.  So, I emailed him back and told him I was still kind of new to all this and that I'd rather we just emailed.  He wrote back and told me he totally understood.  What a relief!  Then he asked for my screen name.

Red. Flag.

If we've barely started getting to know each other and you're already incapable of listening to what I'm saying, that does not bode well for our future relationship.  You should at least pretend to listen at first.  Humor me.

I could tell you more stories, but I'll spare you.  The moral of these stories is, I'm taking a little break from eHarm.  But don't worry.  The experiment isn't over -- I've still got two weeks to go.  I just need to regroup.  De-slut.  You know.

There's a section in everyone's eHarm profile where you can write a little paragraph about the last interesting book you read.  I'm currently reading "Chastened" by Hephzibah Anderson, a true story about a 30-year-old single writer who goes one year without having sex.

I'm thinking of adding that to my profile.

Love,
Tara