Forever Young.

Sunday, September 26, 2010
5:18 PM  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1nbvplgElw

Last night was the season premiere of SNL, and it was one of the most unforgettable experiences of my life.  I was on assignment backstage, meaning I was literally in the midst of all the craziness, and in-studio for the actual show.  It was truly incredible and something I will never forget.

But I'll also never forget the way it felt to dance for hours and hours at the after, after party with my friends.  Or the way I laughed so hard it hurt again and again.  Or the heat of all of us on the dance floor.  Or the spinning of the flashing lights. Or the way it felt to push open the doors of the UCB and step outside into daylight at 7 in the morning.  This picture captures a few moments later - after we had stepped, bleary-eyed and disoriented, into the new day.  It was the moment after we had all looked at each other and burst out laughing at the incredibility of it all - at the luck of our lives.  We are young and happy and excited.  We have shared unique experiences that few others will ever fully understand.

This picture captures us basking in the light of our youth.  I hope we never forget what it feels like to be so full of possibility.

Love,
Tara

Hello, New Theme Song

Tuesday, September 21, 2010
9:33 PM  Exactly.

I believe that the world should revolve around me.

Love,
T

Parasailing

Sunday, September 12, 2010
9:00 PM  Writing exercise.

Once we had completely ascended into the air, our feet kicking freely, we shared a comfortable silence, breathing in the humid air and looking down on the world.

“I was thinking,” she began, not quite looking at me, “that while we’re up here you should just yell out everything you hate about him. Just, like, get it all out up here where no one can hear you.”

The idea kind of shocked me. I’d been wanting to cry all day and found it especially hard to hold back my tears now. I coughed uncomfortably as a giant, painful lump formed in my throat.

“I don’t know,” I said, shakily. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Okay,” she shrugged, now looking at me. “You don’t have to say anything.”

I wanted to yell, but I didn’t want to cry in front of her. I didn’t want to spend these precious few moments I had flying above Hawaii with my sister thinking about him. I didn’t want yet another moment of my life to be about him.

I must have thought about this longer than I realized, because suddenly there was a jerk on the rope and I felt us being pulled lower towards the boat.

Now I really wanted to cry, realizing I’d spent all that time in the air thinking about not thinking about him. But I surprised myself and did what felt completely unnatural - I laughed.

It sounded strange – a forced, wheezy exhalation. A croak. It reminded me of the sounds I used to make after an asthma attack.

But I did it again. And again. And again, until it sounded like real laughter. Soon, I was smiling and giggling uncontrollably, kicking my legs as I was reeled into safety, my sister beside me, watching and laughing too.

Love,
Tara

A Day, er, Night in the Life

Wednesday, September 8, 2010
8:46 pm  Hmmm...

I'm at a loss for words... so I'm going to tell you about my day.  I'm making a concerted effort to start writing again, but at the end of a long, stressful day at work it's pretty much the last thing in the world I feel like doing.  That and going to the gym.  And I'm already not going to the gym, so I feel like I should accomplish something today... even if my current mental state (tired, cranky) is not one that fosters creativity.

You sure you want to keep reading?

Okay, so today I woke up to the chimes of my cell phone alarm clock at 6:30, drenched in sweat.  I was drenched in sweat because I had decided to go the night without using my air conditioner.  Labor Day has passed, my electricity bills have been rather high, and it was supposed to drop down to around 78 degrees...Who needs an air conditioner when all I need to do is crack a window? I thought to myself.

I do.  Me.  This girl needs an air conditioner.

Anyone who has been to my apartment (all 5 of you) will tell you that my apartment is always a good fifteen degrees warmer than it is outside.  The reason behind this isn't clear, but it's GREAT in the winter -- always toasty warm.  It becomes more of an issue in the summer.  And it became more of an issue last night as I lay in bed, willing the cool 78 degree breeze from outside to rush through my open window and over me...

But alas, nothing.

I was determined, though.  In the middle of the night, somehow, through my heat-induced delirium I remembered...I had a fan somewhere!  That would do the trick!  Sweating and swearing I stumbled out of bed and fumbled around in the darkness until I found it.  That sweet black Honeywell was too good to be true!

Indeed.

I plugged it in, angled it toward me, and fell onto my bed, ready for sleep.  But fans just push around air.  And if there's only hot air, they just push around hot air.  That's just good science.  And, in addition to not helping, all that hot air moving was blowing my hair around until it got stuck in the sweat dripping down my face and neck.  Lovely.

So, now it's early, early morning and in-between falling in and out of consciousness (I'm not sure if I slept or got dehydrated and passed out) I tie my hair on top of my head and try to sleep that way.  But then I've got all these wispys that are flying around my head and getting stuck in my sweat and then breaking loose and getting stuck again, so yet again I'm stumbling around my room, now blindly jabbing bobby pins into my head. Eventually I give up and wrap a blanket around my head like a turban.  I'll give you a moment to ponder that visual.

And I did all of this until 6:30 this morning when my cell phone alarm clock began to chime and I thought to myself, Why, God? Why?

And, instead of the usual silence, a voice (and again, this may have been a symptom of the delirium), laughed and said, Dude, you did that to yourself.

And as I sit here, in my room with my air conditioning on, it occurs to me that last night probably says a lot about me.

I am reminded of a saying:

Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer?

Because it feels so good when I stop.

Love,
Tara

I Won't Grow Up!

Sunday, Sept. 5, 2010
9:51 AM  'Cause growing up is awfuller than all the awful things there ever were!

I'm messing up the lyrics to some 'Peter Pan' song because THIS is how I feel right now.  Not unlike a wave that almost killed me that one time in Hawaii, I feel like Adulthood has knocked me over, dunked me underwater, tossed me around and left me crawling on the ground and gasping for air.

As I sit here typing this post in my big sunny kitchen in G while sipping on a glass of orange juice I did not pay for, I realize this may be an exaggeration, but seriously... I feel like I've been struck with/surrounded by a lot of "Adult" problems lately.  I gots issues.

First of all, Kaitlyn is in college now.  Not really my issue; more of a "my baby sister is growing up" sort of thing, but I'm having a surprisingly hard time watching her go through it all.  I worry about her ALL THE TIME.  She was at a party last night, and I had to resist the urge to text her to make sure she had her hand over her drink and that she wasn't going to walk home alone.  During the week, I text her constantly to make sure she's eaten or that she got to class on time or just to make sure she's okay.  Her first week of college has brought back all these traumatic freshman year memories for me and as a result I'm becoming a HELICOPTER PARENT. The whole family went to visit her yesterday, and as we were going to leave I wanted to yell, "Okay, I think we've all gone along with 'playing college' long enough.  It's time to take her home for her nap." I have half a mind to go to grad school at UCONN just so I can be close by if she needs me.  I'm not kidding.

So, basically I've decided I'm suffering from empty-nest syndrome, which is a very Adult (albeit CRAZY) problem to have.  That's issue number one.  The rest of the issues don't require a whole lot of explanation, so I'm just going to lay them out there: my electricity may be shut off September 10, I have a collection agency leaving voicemails on my cell phone, one of my friends just found out she's pregnant and another friend just found out a close family member has cancer.

...

Okay, maybe some of those require some explanation.  The electricity being shut off is related to a meter issue that involves my landlord and the electricity company, but nonetheless, we (me and my roommate) somehow owe money we didn't know we owed and are now delinquent, blah, blah blah, they're threatening to shut off our power.  Fantastic.

The calls from the collection agency I ignored for days because I thought it was some kind of scam until I looked up the phone number and realized it was, in fact, a collection agency.  I went to the emergency room back in January and never received a bill.  My guess is that's what they're calling about, but it's super annoying because, once again, I NEVER RECEIVED A BILL and I wasn't asked to pay at the time and I'm afraid this is screwing up my credit.  I don't even KNOW what credit IS, but I KNOW it needs to be GOOD.  FML.

And the other two issues I'm not going to explain because they're pretty terrifyingly obvious.

All of this is really starting to stress me out so, for the rest of this holiday weekend, I'm taking a break from Adulthood.  And now I'm going to go shower in my childhood bathroom and get dressed in my childhood bedroom and let my mom take me and Steph shopping.  And later, I'm going to go have dinner at my grandma's and then go see some of my old, high school friends.

I want a break!

Clearly, I'm too young to grow up.

Love,
Tara