Reminder

Thursday, February 18, 2010
8:49 PM  Blurg.

Today I had the day off, so Dad and Kaitlyn came to visit me here in NYC.  It was the nicest day I've had in a long time.  So, naturally I ended it by starting to cry at dinner.  I started crying over... nothing.  I was telling some story about this guy who was rude to me at the post office over a week ago, and then I lost it.  The truth is there are a lot of little things (stressors, obstacles, problems) that happen every day now that I'm living on my own and working at a new job that apparently build up.  And somehow I manage to ignore them until I'm with my family again, and I suddenly lose it.

I think when you're in a stressful situation, you automatically go into "survival mode."  You can't fully think about how tired, stressed, frustrated, lonely you are because if you do, you won't function.  So, while you're kind of aware of it, you push it out of your head and just keep swimming.  It isn't until you're around the people that truly know you and love you, that all those feelings come rushing out and over onto your pumpkin risotto.  And I think I tend to be hard on myself because, let's face it, I'm lucky.  I have a job.  I have an apartment.  Things could be SO much worse.  So I get angry at myself when I start to feel overwhelmed or lonely because who am I to complain when I have so many good things in my life?  I get mad that I let "weak" emotions affect me.  I have a great job... I should be happy most of the time.

And it's really not that I'm unhappy, because I'm not.  For the most part, I'm happy.  But almost every day I am looked down upon and condescended to and made to feel very small...and it's wearing on me.  Especially when I don't have my family to come home to at the end of the day.  Because all I really want at the end of every day is for someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay.

I know it will be okay.

It's just nice to have someone there to remind you.

Love,
Tara