Monday, August 23, 2010
9:33 PM Must read.
In case you haven't seen it yet, there was a really interesting piece on "twenty-somethings" in the New York Times' Magazine last weekend. It's pretty long, but I gotta say... I feel like it explained a lot. It made me feel better!
Let me know what you think...
Love,
Tara
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Enough Said.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
8:19 PM Whoa.
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Love,
Tara
8:19 PM Whoa.
"I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism." - Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love
Love,
Tara
Friday, August 13, 2010
"Happiness hit her like a train on a track."
Friday, August 13, 2010
11:58 AM Oh, I am inspired!
You MUST listen to this song (below). My friend Eliz sent it to me, and it's literally all I have listened to for the past two days. Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally) it is featured in the trailer for "Eat, Pray, Love," which came out today. I'm still not finished with the book, but I cannot wait to see it.
Anyway, the first time I listened to the song was yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. I was only half paying attention to it as I had overslept and was busy rushing around, but I liked it well enough. It wasn't until later that morning that I loved it. I was walking to work, listening to the song on my Ipod and trying to shift all of the gear I was carrying (purse, gym bag, phone, Ipod), when my hand accidentally hit the volume on my Ipod. Suddenly the song was absolutely blasting in my ears. It was so loud it actually took my breath away. But as I stood there, fumbling with my Ipod to bring the volume back to a normal level, I actually listened to the lyrics.
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
I got chills. I love the idea of running as fast as you can for happiness and the life that you want and I love the idea that you should do it for the people in your life who want you to be happy. Yes, you should strive for happiness for you, but I think sometimes it's easy for us to push our own pursuit for happiness aside, like it's not important. Here, the singer is reminding us that if you can't do it for yourself, do it for all the people in the world who want you to be happy. What's that saying? The greatest gift you can give another person is your happiness. I love that. And don't walk. Run.
And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too
Here, I imagine she's speaking to the universe or her life. She's not asking for anything, but she wants everything. I relate this back to my whole "demanding more from the universe" thing. She doesn't have to demand anything -- I think it's all right there for her to take.
And the drums! Oh, I love the drums. I play this song in my room and I dance around and I bang on the walls and my desk and my dresser. Towards the end the drums have this whole tribal, earthly sound to them that I love. I can't even explain how great it feels to listen to this song and just bang on things.
And when you think the song is over, it's not! I know I sound like a lunatic, but I just love this song on all its levels because it's exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes these days I'm so happy, it's all I can do not to burst out laughing in the middle of the street. For a long time I lived my life waiting for the next thing to happen. I would think, Okay, well I'm going to be happy after this really stressful week is over. Or, I'll finally be happy when I get a job...I'll finally be happy when I have a day off...I'll finally be happy when I make more money. And I realized a while ago that you can't keep waiting for that thing to happen because A.) when you focus all your attention on the one thing you don't have, it's a sure way to be unhappy and B.) THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ANOTHER THING. The key, I think, is to make this moment as good as you possibly can. You have to live in the now. Napoleon Hill said, "Don't wait. The time will never be just right." Can I get an amen?
Now, like most things, this is all easier said than done, but once it clicks it just clicks. In the past, when I would get really happy over something, I would panic and kind of cling to it. I didn't want that wonderful feeling to go away. But, I realized, that clinging and panicking is a great way to ruin your happiness. I realize this is a completely hippie-dippy thing to say, but I'm going to say it anyway -- I am my own happiness. The happier I get, the more happiness comes. Beauty attracts beauty and all that. It's never-ending... kind of like this song seems. Just when you think it might be over, it's not.
Somebody bring me a drum.
Love,
Tara
11:58 AM Oh, I am inspired!
You MUST listen to this song (below). My friend Eliz sent it to me, and it's literally all I have listened to for the past two days. Coincidentally (or maybe not so coincidentally) it is featured in the trailer for "Eat, Pray, Love," which came out today. I'm still not finished with the book, but I cannot wait to see it.
Anyway, the first time I listened to the song was yesterday morning as I was getting ready for work. I was only half paying attention to it as I had overslept and was busy rushing around, but I liked it well enough. It wasn't until later that morning that I loved it. I was walking to work, listening to the song on my Ipod and trying to shift all of the gear I was carrying (purse, gym bag, phone, Ipod), when my hand accidentally hit the volume on my Ipod. Suddenly the song was absolutely blasting in my ears. It was so loud it actually took my breath away. But as I stood there, fumbling with my Ipod to bring the volume back to a normal level, I actually listened to the lyrics.
Run fast for your mother, run fast for your father
Run for your children, for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind
You can't carry it with you if you want to survive
I got chills. I love the idea of running as fast as you can for happiness and the life that you want and I love the idea that you should do it for the people in your life who want you to be happy. Yes, you should strive for happiness for you, but I think sometimes it's easy for us to push our own pursuit for happiness aside, like it's not important. Here, the singer is reminding us that if you can't do it for yourself, do it for all the people in the world who want you to be happy. What's that saying? The greatest gift you can give another person is your happiness. I love that. And don't walk. Run.
And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had and what was left after that too
Here, I imagine she's speaking to the universe or her life. She's not asking for anything, but she wants everything. I relate this back to my whole "demanding more from the universe" thing. She doesn't have to demand anything -- I think it's all right there for her to take.
And the drums! Oh, I love the drums. I play this song in my room and I dance around and I bang on the walls and my desk and my dresser. Towards the end the drums have this whole tribal, earthly sound to them that I love. I can't even explain how great it feels to listen to this song and just bang on things.
And when you think the song is over, it's not! I know I sound like a lunatic, but I just love this song on all its levels because it's exactly how I feel right now. Sometimes these days I'm so happy, it's all I can do not to burst out laughing in the middle of the street. For a long time I lived my life waiting for the next thing to happen. I would think, Okay, well I'm going to be happy after this really stressful week is over. Or, I'll finally be happy when I get a job...I'll finally be happy when I have a day off...I'll finally be happy when I make more money. And I realized a while ago that you can't keep waiting for that thing to happen because A.) when you focus all your attention on the one thing you don't have, it's a sure way to be unhappy and B.) THERE'S ALWAYS GOING TO BE ANOTHER THING. The key, I think, is to make this moment as good as you possibly can. You have to live in the now. Napoleon Hill said, "Don't wait. The time will never be just right." Can I get an amen?
Now, like most things, this is all easier said than done, but once it clicks it just clicks. In the past, when I would get really happy over something, I would panic and kind of cling to it. I didn't want that wonderful feeling to go away. But, I realized, that clinging and panicking is a great way to ruin your happiness. I realize this is a completely hippie-dippy thing to say, but I'm going to say it anyway -- I am my own happiness. The happier I get, the more happiness comes. Beauty attracts beauty and all that. It's never-ending... kind of like this song seems. Just when you think it might be over, it's not.
Somebody bring me a drum.
Love,
Tara
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Untitled
Sunday, August 8, 2010
8:50 PM Eat, Pray, Love... Write
I'm reading 'Eat, Pray, Love" and it's making me want to write again. Not that I haven't wanted to write these past few months, it's just that I haven't been doing it. I'm not sure what happened, but all of a sudden I got super self-conscious about my writing. I would feel inspired to write about something, and almost immediately my inner-critic would say, No, that's dumb. So I stopped. But I still wanted to write.
Desperate for an idea my inner-critic wouldn't automatically reject, I read back over things I'd already written, something I often do when I'm in need of inspiration. What I found were the mundane - often whiny - self-concerned tales of a 20-something-year-old girl.
God, you sound so annoying. Who would want to read this? the inner critic asked.
So, I stopped. And I was lying, to you and myself, when I said I had writer's block because I didn't. I've been inspired every single day. It's just that I stopped, and I didn't know how to start again.
I think part of growing up is accepting , no, embracing your insecurities. A fairly frequent complaint I've heard from friends who have read "Eat, Pray, Love" is that, while they enjoyed her conversational way of writing, she came across as a little self-centered. It was all a bit self-indulgent. Sometimes I wonder if I come across the same way when I write.
But, you see, I don't think she comes across as self-centered or selfish or self-indulgent at all. It's a book about a time in her life -- how could she not talk about herself the whole time? She tells you it's about a personal journey of hers from the very beginning. As readers, we knew what we were getting into when we picked it up.
Anyway, this is a blog about a time in my life. And while I publish what I write to the Internet, I don't write for other people. I write for myself and I publish it because I like to communicate - I think it's nice when other people can relate. And so I'm embracing the fact that it all may come across as a little self-indulgent.
I was reading "Eat" on the train back to New York today and was inspired to write a poem about my non-writer's block... yes, I wanted to write about not writing. It does not rhyme. There is no rhythm to it. I'm not even sure it qualifies as a poem. And I was going to apologize for all of this when I realized I have to stop apologizing for things that I haven't done wrong.
My inner-critic can suck it.
Untitled
It seems the only thing I remember how to write
are to-do lists.
Ordered, numbered, never complete -
A reminder of all the things I have failed to accomplish,
so I never get too pleased with myself...
or at all.
Instead, I have dreams that I'm throwing up
but nothing will come out.
It gets stuck.
I wish I'd give myself a break.
Love,
Tara
8:50 PM Eat, Pray, Love... Write
I'm reading 'Eat, Pray, Love" and it's making me want to write again. Not that I haven't wanted to write these past few months, it's just that I haven't been doing it. I'm not sure what happened, but all of a sudden I got super self-conscious about my writing. I would feel inspired to write about something, and almost immediately my inner-critic would say, No, that's dumb. So I stopped. But I still wanted to write.
Desperate for an idea my inner-critic wouldn't automatically reject, I read back over things I'd already written, something I often do when I'm in need of inspiration. What I found were the mundane - often whiny - self-concerned tales of a 20-something-year-old girl.
God, you sound so annoying. Who would want to read this? the inner critic asked.
So, I stopped. And I was lying, to you and myself, when I said I had writer's block because I didn't. I've been inspired every single day. It's just that I stopped, and I didn't know how to start again.
I think part of growing up is accepting , no, embracing your insecurities. A fairly frequent complaint I've heard from friends who have read "Eat, Pray, Love" is that, while they enjoyed her conversational way of writing, she came across as a little self-centered. It was all a bit self-indulgent. Sometimes I wonder if I come across the same way when I write.
But, you see, I don't think she comes across as self-centered or selfish or self-indulgent at all. It's a book about a time in her life -- how could she not talk about herself the whole time? She tells you it's about a personal journey of hers from the very beginning. As readers, we knew what we were getting into when we picked it up.
Anyway, this is a blog about a time in my life. And while I publish what I write to the Internet, I don't write for other people. I write for myself and I publish it because I like to communicate - I think it's nice when other people can relate. And so I'm embracing the fact that it all may come across as a little self-indulgent.
I was reading "Eat" on the train back to New York today and was inspired to write a poem about my non-writer's block... yes, I wanted to write about not writing. It does not rhyme. There is no rhythm to it. I'm not even sure it qualifies as a poem. And I was going to apologize for all of this when I realized I have to stop apologizing for things that I haven't done wrong.
My inner-critic can suck it.
Untitled
It seems the only thing I remember how to write
are to-do lists.
Ordered, numbered, never complete -
A reminder of all the things I have failed to accomplish,
so I never get too pleased with myself...
or at all.
Instead, I have dreams that I'm throwing up
but nothing will come out.
It gets stuck.
I wish I'd give myself a break.
Love,
Tara
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Conversations with Men
Sunday, August 1, 2010
4:59 PM Hilarious.
Saturday night in a random bar in NYC.
Guy: You know, you look like the girl from 'House.'
Tara: Oh, I don't watch 'House.' Who is she?
Guy: I forget the name of the actress, but they call her 'Thirteen' on the show.
Tara: Well, is she pretty? Is this a compliment?
Guy: Oh, yeah, she's really pretty.
The Guy is about to turn away when he pauses, looking at Tara thoughtfully.
Guy: She's also a lesbian.
Love,
Tara
4:59 PM Hilarious.
Saturday night in a random bar in NYC.
Guy: You know, you look like the girl from 'House.'
Tara: Oh, I don't watch 'House.' Who is she?
Guy: I forget the name of the actress, but they call her 'Thirteen' on the show.
Tara: Well, is she pretty? Is this a compliment?
Guy: Oh, yeah, she's really pretty.
The Guy is about to turn away when he pauses, looking at Tara thoughtfully.
Guy: She's also a lesbian.
Love,
Tara
Monday, July 19, 2010
Conversations with My Mother
Monday, July 19, 2010
8:48 PM Vacation, all I ever wanteeedddd....
It's a sunny morning in Stone Harbor. Tara is sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast while the rest of the family gets ready to go to the beach.
Mom: Don't flirt with the boys next door while we're gone.
Tara: (not looking up) Oh, don't you worry about me.
Mom: Well, we know they have alcohol, so I didn't know if you'd suddenly find yourself being pulled in that direction.
Love,
Tara
8:48 PM Vacation, all I ever wanteeedddd....
It's a sunny morning in Stone Harbor. Tara is sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast while the rest of the family gets ready to go to the beach.
Mom: Don't flirt with the boys next door while we're gone.
Tara: (not looking up) Oh, don't you worry about me.
Mom: Well, we know they have alcohol, so I didn't know if you'd suddenly find yourself being pulled in that direction.
Love,
Tara
Monday, July 5, 2010
Stream of Consciousness
Monday, July 5, 2010
7:39 PM Happy 5th of July!
I wrote the below blog post last night, but then I didn't post it because I thought it was kind of personal and would probably read like the rantings and ramblings of a crazy woman.
But now I'm posting it anyway.
Cheers!
T
Sunday, July 4, 2010
11:26 PM
I’m sick. Not like hungover-sick. Like sore-throat-runny-nose-body-aches-kind-of-sick. And I’ve been in bed all day, resting (i.e. watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and crying into bits of toilet paper). And it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m sick on the 4th of July, and I’ve been in bed crying and wiping away tears and my runny nose all day because I’ve had a revelation.
Now, I don’t know if it was the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ or the lying in bed with nothing to do all day or the meds or the tequila I had last night (okay, maybe I am a little hungover-sick), but suddenly I have a very clear picture of what I can and cannot control.
This revelation is multi-layered, so bear with me. I think because my life was so out of control from March to the beginning of June because of work, I got used to feeling like I couldn’t control anything. So I just kind of gave up. Which in itself can seem kind of freeing because when you don’t have control over anything, you can’t be responsible for anything either. You can’t be mad or disappointed with yourself, really, because nothing is your fault – it’s all out of your control.
I’m still piecing this all together in my head, but it’s like this: I’m a talker. Or I was a talker. I always say I’m going to do things - that I know what I want. I make lists of all the things I need to do, and I vow that, eventually, I will do them. But saying you’re going to do something or be some way is very different from actually doing it or being that way. Which may seem like common sense, but that very basic lesson slipped away from me.
I kind of hate that the best example I can think of to explain all of this involves an ex-boyfriend, but it’s all I’ve got, so here it is: For a long time I wanted to get over this guy, and I just couldn’t do it. I told myself and everyone that I wanted to be over it, and I would get so frustrated with myself because, no matter what, for the longest time, I just wasn’t over it. And eventually I got to the point where I said to myself, “Okay, you’re not over it. I don’t know why, but you’re not ready to be over it. And when you truly want to be over it you will be.” And I was right. Because when I truly wanted to be over it with every fiber of my being, I was ready. And then I was over it. Just like that.
It sounds simple, but you can say you want something, and it can make perfect sense to want that thing, but saying you want it and actually wanting it are different. And it’s frustrating because, using the example from above, of course I should have wanted to be over the guy. Who wants to be hurting and hung up on a guy for years? But there was a part of me, the part that doesn’t listen to reason, that wasn’t ready to let it go until it was ready to let it go. You know?
And this applies to, well, everything, but I’m going to use another guy-related example. Because a few days ago I was on the phone with my mom, whining about guys (part of the revelation involves NOT complaining, by the way), and I said something like, “I want to be with the guy who thinks I’m so incredible that he gets over all his issues and insecurities to be with me because he just can’t not be with me.” And my mom, in her infinite wisdom, told me I already had that guy. In fact, I was dating him just a couple months ago, and I didn’t want him. And I got annoyed with her because, well, that was different. He was too into me. I needed more space than that. And my mom said, “Then you don’t want the thing that you say you want.”
And she was right.
Because I had that guy and I didn’t want him. And it makes complete sense to want to be in love. To want to be with the guy who’ll drop everything for you. But I don’t want that, and I’m not sure why. But the beauty of it is… that’s okay! I was thinking, at first, that it means there’s something wrong with me that I don’t want that. But I don’t think there is. I think maybe I’m just not ready to want that. Maybe I’m too immature. Or maybe it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that I don’t know how to be in one. Or maybe because the only serious relationship I’ve ever had was so painful and twisty and well, heart-breaking in the end, that I don’t know if I want to open myself up to that again.
But I will, eventually, probably. When I really want to be ready, I will be. It’s that simple.
And it all applies to the rest of my life too. I talk about how much I hate my apartment, but do I do anything to make it better? No. And that’s something I have some control over. I mean, if it was suddenly spotless would the roaches disappear? Probably not. But I could make it better. I think I’m ready to make it better. And why didn’t I want to make it better sooner? Maybe I like to complain. Or I like the drama of talking about my tiny, roach-infested apartment. Which is kind of awful, and I hope that’s not why because nobody wants to be that girl who likes to suffer, but for whatever reason I wasn’t ready before, and now I am.
Maybe I think if I’m totally happy I won’t have anything to talk about.
Whoa.
I just blew my mind a little bit.
Again, that’s weird and a little sad and I hope that’s not what’s been holding me back, but if it is, I have control over that.
I’d rather just be happy than talk about the reasons I’m not.
Love,
Tara
7:39 PM Happy 5th of July!
I wrote the below blog post last night, but then I didn't post it because I thought it was kind of personal and would probably read like the rantings and ramblings of a crazy woman.
But now I'm posting it anyway.
Cheers!
T
Sunday, July 4, 2010
11:26 PM
I’m sick. Not like hungover-sick. Like sore-throat-runny-nose-body-aches-kind-of-sick. And I’ve been in bed all day, resting (i.e. watching ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ and crying into bits of toilet paper). And it’s okay. It’s okay that I’m sick on the 4th of July, and I’ve been in bed crying and wiping away tears and my runny nose all day because I’ve had a revelation.
Now, I don’t know if it was the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ or the lying in bed with nothing to do all day or the meds or the tequila I had last night (okay, maybe I am a little hungover-sick), but suddenly I have a very clear picture of what I can and cannot control.
This revelation is multi-layered, so bear with me. I think because my life was so out of control from March to the beginning of June because of work, I got used to feeling like I couldn’t control anything. So I just kind of gave up. Which in itself can seem kind of freeing because when you don’t have control over anything, you can’t be responsible for anything either. You can’t be mad or disappointed with yourself, really, because nothing is your fault – it’s all out of your control.
I’m still piecing this all together in my head, but it’s like this: I’m a talker. Or I was a talker. I always say I’m going to do things - that I know what I want. I make lists of all the things I need to do, and I vow that, eventually, I will do them. But saying you’re going to do something or be some way is very different from actually doing it or being that way. Which may seem like common sense, but that very basic lesson slipped away from me.
I kind of hate that the best example I can think of to explain all of this involves an ex-boyfriend, but it’s all I’ve got, so here it is: For a long time I wanted to get over this guy, and I just couldn’t do it. I told myself and everyone that I wanted to be over it, and I would get so frustrated with myself because, no matter what, for the longest time, I just wasn’t over it. And eventually I got to the point where I said to myself, “Okay, you’re not over it. I don’t know why, but you’re not ready to be over it. And when you truly want to be over it you will be.” And I was right. Because when I truly wanted to be over it with every fiber of my being, I was ready. And then I was over it. Just like that.
It sounds simple, but you can say you want something, and it can make perfect sense to want that thing, but saying you want it and actually wanting it are different. And it’s frustrating because, using the example from above, of course I should have wanted to be over the guy. Who wants to be hurting and hung up on a guy for years? But there was a part of me, the part that doesn’t listen to reason, that wasn’t ready to let it go until it was ready to let it go. You know?
And this applies to, well, everything, but I’m going to use another guy-related example. Because a few days ago I was on the phone with my mom, whining about guys (part of the revelation involves NOT complaining, by the way), and I said something like, “I want to be with the guy who thinks I’m so incredible that he gets over all his issues and insecurities to be with me because he just can’t not be with me.” And my mom, in her infinite wisdom, told me I already had that guy. In fact, I was dating him just a couple months ago, and I didn’t want him. And I got annoyed with her because, well, that was different. He was too into me. I needed more space than that. And my mom said, “Then you don’t want the thing that you say you want.”
And she was right.
Because I had that guy and I didn’t want him. And it makes complete sense to want to be in love. To want to be with the guy who’ll drop everything for you. But I don’t want that, and I’m not sure why. But the beauty of it is… that’s okay! I was thinking, at first, that it means there’s something wrong with me that I don’t want that. But I don’t think there is. I think maybe I’m just not ready to want that. Maybe I’m too immature. Or maybe it’s been so long since I’ve been in a relationship that I don’t know how to be in one. Or maybe because the only serious relationship I’ve ever had was so painful and twisty and well, heart-breaking in the end, that I don’t know if I want to open myself up to that again.
But I will, eventually, probably. When I really want to be ready, I will be. It’s that simple.
And it all applies to the rest of my life too. I talk about how much I hate my apartment, but do I do anything to make it better? No. And that’s something I have some control over. I mean, if it was suddenly spotless would the roaches disappear? Probably not. But I could make it better. I think I’m ready to make it better. And why didn’t I want to make it better sooner? Maybe I like to complain. Or I like the drama of talking about my tiny, roach-infested apartment. Which is kind of awful, and I hope that’s not why because nobody wants to be that girl who likes to suffer, but for whatever reason I wasn’t ready before, and now I am.
Maybe I think if I’m totally happy I won’t have anything to talk about.
Whoa.
I just blew my mind a little bit.
Again, that’s weird and a little sad and I hope that’s not what’s been holding me back, but if it is, I have control over that.
I’d rather just be happy than talk about the reasons I’m not.
Love,
Tara
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