You Got A Boyfriend?

Wednesday, March 3, 2010
4:55 pm  Is there something in the water?

I don't know what it is that has men everywhere asking me this question, but I know I don't like it.  On tour.  Out with friends.  Hanging out of their cars as I walk down the street.  It seems everywhere I go, there's a man who wants to know the answer to, "You got a boyfriend??"

And I get it.  I mean, it's not the most clever pick-up line I've ever heard.  But it's direct.  It cuts to the chase.  Personally, I'm a fan of "What's your sign?" but with this pick-up line, the guy is saying, in very few words, "Look, I find you sexually attractive, but there are a lot of other not-unfortunate-looking girls here, so I'd rather know now if you're taken or not interested, so I don't waste my time."  And I'd rather not waste my time either!  But this pick-up line is a two-parter.  And the other part is where the trouble is. 

The girl can answer one of two ways.  She (I) can lie.  She can say she's taken: "Sorry.  Yes, I do, in fact, have a boyfriend."  But this never works.  Why?  Because men hear what they want to hear.  He heard the word, "Yes," an affirmative statment, and twists that in his brain to mean something good... for him.  The guy, inevitably, still thinks he has a chance.  So, the questions follow:  Where is he tonight?  How long you been together?  Are you happy?  You ever wish you were broken up?  Is it an open relationship?  These questions are stressful and annoying, especially when you're searching for the answers regarding a guy and a relationship that you made up!  Oh, what a tangled web...

So, the other way to answer is to tell the truth.  You take a long gulp from your drink, turn to the creeper, and say, "No.  I don't have a boyfriend."  And usually, in my experience, the guy is so taken aback and confused by the fact that you said no but somehow still aren't throwing yourself at him, that he doesn't say anything.  The first time this happened to me, I thought I was in the clear.  Honesty really is the best policy!  I'm free!  I'm free!  But then the guy, inevitably, recovers.  And it's the question that follows that's the worst question of all.  Suddenly the idea will strike him, he will grin triumphantly and say, "Why not?"

"Why not?"  A simple question, but oh so dangerous.  Because when a guy utters these words he has completely taken control of the conversation.  By asking, "Why not?" he's implying that it's hard for him to understand why you wouldn't have a boyfriend.  He's paying you a compliment, but he wants you to explain.  Know this, ladies: It's a trick!  No matter how you answer this question, you will be putting yourself down, making yourself that much more vulnerable to Creeper Joe, emotional terrorist.  There is NO good way to answer this question.

Let me show you.  The girl will answer one of three ways:

Ex. A)  She'll say something self-degrading: "Oh, well, I, I work a lot.  Yeah, ha, I don't really have a life.  I work all the time.  I never have time to meet guys.  Wow, am I talking a lot?"

Ex. B)  She'll say something sarcastic and bitchy:  "Why don't you tell me?  You're a guy.  Why don't you go ask all your bros what the deal is!"

And when experience has taught her that being self-degrading doesn't work and being sarcastic and bitchy doesn't work, she'll resort to Ex. C, The Truth.  It's the honest answer, but it's probably the hardest thing to admit to yourself, let alone Creeper Joe.  It's the sad truth that makes you want to leave the bar, the tour, the street, immediately to go lay in bed and stare at the ceiling.

Ex. C)  She'll shrug and say, "...I don't know."

Love,
Tara